Sunday, February 1, 2009

Feeling Relieved, Happy, and Relaxed...

It has been about 4.5 months since I was able to feel this way. What is amazing is that until this week, I didn't even realize that I had been so stressed out.

It is amazing what the wrong relationship with someone can do to you. I befriended someone last year, and quickly, maybe too quickly, let her into my life. We were great friends, hung out often, and her little idiosyncrasies didn't really bother me much.

We even became so close that she asked me to attend her birth.

Well, towards the end of her pregnancy I began to realize that we were not really a good match. The relationship had become completely one-sided and she wasn't the person that she was "pretending" or "portraying" herself to be. I didn't want to hurt her or bring it up while she was in and out of labor at 34-36 weeks, and after her birth she was so fragile that I couldn't talk to her about it.

I would talk to her and share things, and when I would mention the conversation, she would act like she had no idea what I was talking about. There was even one day, probably one of the hardest I have ever had, when she called... I started to tell her what was going on and why I was in tears, and when I did, she interrupted me and told me I had to listen to how mean her Mother-In-Law was b/c she didn't want to lend her money... She kept going on and on, and after 5 minutes I told her that I just couldn't do this right now, that I didn't have it in me at the moment to be supportive of anyone, that I needed to try to hold myself together, and in turn, she got huffy and got off the phone without even finding out what was so wrong in my life that I couldn't be there for her problem.

I was always there for her, always. We ate dinners together, during the gas crisis I traveled over 100 miles round trip with gas for her, I helped her with her hair, I listened to her talk about her husband, his family, her other friends, the random people online who were after her... and the list goes on.

For the last four months, she started to try to become more like me, she called me 4-6 times a day, sometime more, she commented me online ALL THE TIME, and began to do the same to my friends... I don't mind that she was making friends, but she began to complain about my friends behind their backs, and to be more and more negative.

Over the last 3 months, I began not having the ringer on when I had my phone with me, just knowing that someone (probably her) was calling made me anxious.

Over the last 2 weeks I have been on-edge so much that I have had nothing nice to say to my family or anyone, not even my children, and after a late night Y!M conversation with this person I realized why. It was her , it was our relationship. She had NEVER heard a thing I said, and was becoming more and more unstable, and unreasonable... I actually wonder if she doesn't need help from someone.

Well, how do you break up with someone who has become a good friend? How do you deal with it?

I was feeling so much stress, and she was taking so much of my energy, that I had nothing left to give to those who needed it the most, (my family and myself!)... So I did it, I deleted her from my life. I know it sounds harsh... and it is, but I have no ill will towards her, I just couldn't be in a relationship with someone who couldn't even remember what my goals and dreams in life were, where I wasn't happy, and with a person who made my life become four times more stressful than it needed to be.

In our last conversation, she was completely unstable. She accused me of only being her friend so that I could find a way to attend her birth, and to use her. She accused me of never supporting her, (when I told her that I didn't know how to help with cases of incest and that she needed a psychiatrist) and of not caring about her dreams (which I did help her with understanding the legal side of Midwifery in NC an the different opinions on legislation and regulation). She claimed she had no idea our dreams were similar and I hid mine from her. She was upset that I commented to other people's blogs more than hers, and that I didn't write on her page as much as she did mine... The conversation went from bad to worse, and it became painfully obvious by the end, that I couldn't reason with her and that she wanted more than I had to give.

I sent her an email to officially end the relationship... I know that it seems harsh, but I didn't know what to do, and I wanted to leave it on a positive note, and not negative, which is what I feared from a phone or IRL conversation...

"I am sorry that you feel so unsupported by me. That was never my intention. Obviously you have a lot going on in your life right now, and I feel that perhaps it will be better for you to focus your energy on that rather than on me. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors and I am sure I will see you around. I am sorry that our friendship is not what we hoped it would be."

The minute I pressed send on the email, I felt a rush of relief... I can actually breath! While I am sorry for the loss of a friend, and I do really wish her the best, I realized that I am happy for the first time in months and that I was not being the person who I really am. The stress over that relationship had made me into someone that I didn't want to be. I was being mean to my husband, kids, and ignoring other people in my life because I had no energy left.

I guess I am writing this note to process it out-loud and to remind us to be careful who we surround ourselves with, because those people will effect all aspects of our lives, not just part of things. This person is no longer on my friend's lists, is on ignore on chat groups, and I can't see anything she posts. I am not writing it to make her feel bad or for any other reason like that. I wrote it to process my feelings and to apologize to those of you who I have neglected as a friend and loved one... I am sorry. I am back to myself, I haven't lost my temper in days, and can't wait to talk to you all.

I love you all.


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