Saturday, January 17, 2009

Tired of getting pushed down.

Among other things, I'm tired. Tired of being pushed down. Tired of nothing going right. Tired of the crap. Tired of being broke. Just plain tired. I just want to sit and cry.

Van died today. I could have told you last night it was going to. (Actually I did mention it to Carl.) While we were driving, the lights were flickering, the engine was surging, and it wasn't acting right.

I needed to go to Walmart for diapers, deodorant, and a few grocery items b/c we are running low, we didn't go last night b/c it was just too cold and the kids needed to go to bed. So this morning, I went out to the car, had the baby all bundled up, was leaving the other 2 boys with Carl (b/c I needed an hour "break") and started the car... well... tried to start the car... Nice, it was dead... again.

Carl leaves today to go to the Bahamas. I'm out of diapers (literally on the last disposable, and cloth isn't fitting right now, leaks everywhere), Carl is taking the only tube of deodorant, and the list goes on. The only "frivolous" thing I needed was a needle to finish the hat I am knitting.

Now the kicker is that I was heading to Walmart, not the local store b/c I'm broke, and I have a Walmart giftcard.

I just so tired of us never pulling ahead. I applied for 7 jobs this week. Didn't get them. I can't even get hired at the YMCA for $6 an hour. It is freaking depressing. Day care for 3 kids is not do-able financially, even if I was working...

I desperately want a YMCA membership so that we can get out of the house and do something healthy while Carl is working, and something that will allow me to exercise and get a few minutes away from my children (whom I dearly love, I'm just loved out at the moment).

I feel guilty for wasting money to go out to dinner with some friends last night, that would probably be a new battery (although I am clueless on how much one costs?).

Ugh, I am just so done feeling this way and dealing with the constant worry and crap. So done.

Sorry for the vent, I know that most of you read this to catch up on the kids and what we are up to, and to see cute photos. I just needed to "vocalize" for a few minutes.


Cassie said...

things have to start getting better sooner or later. I've got plenty of deodorant if you need some.

Kim said...

rains and pours...floods even. but eventually the sun peeks out and there are puddles to stomp in and sometimes a rainbow shows up when least expected.

i am behind on your blog and catching up, so i am sure there is a bend in the road coming up ahead, but at this point last year i was feeling the same blues. december was the lowest of the lows for our family and i thought we were out of the game...but there were surprises in store for all of us.